Tales from the Loop

My husband has been gone for two weeks. He's coming back, but for two more weeks he's completely off the grid in Utah on a 28-day field expedition. Our kids and I have zero contact with him.

In his absence I've had to face myself, and I'm fascinated by how cruel the voice in my head is to myself. It's sort of stunning, honestly. The voice in my head isn't rooted anymore in my mother's criticism or my father's fear, or the excuses I've collected about how other people create my suffering. It's just me.

And as quick as I realized that, the cruel voice in my head has been getting quieter. And quieter. I can still hear it, but I'm trying to create a habit of talking over it with gratitude, like when it beats me up for enjoying a homemade chocolate chip cookie and then I talk over it my saying "thank you to this cookie for being made with love and filling my body with sensation and enoyment" and it actually is working.

I can't go on as I used to, stuck in a loop of feeling like I must earn my worthiness, then sabotaging it, then beating myself up, and again earning back worthiness, again sabotaging it, and on and on and on. If everything is connected, and I see beauty and love everywhere I turn, then I must be made of the same stuff. Besides, I've got shit to do, it's time to jump from the loop, trip the system, and speak over that voice in my head with gratitude.

I wonder what kind of things my husband is wondering about.